I was planning on writing a motivational piece for you today.
To make it all nice and uplifting.
You know, a fun piece.
But what is coming through is the desire for truth.
The desire to create awareness for you that everything matters.
So here goes…
Life is nothing more than opportunities for powerful choices.
Choices often born out of pain.
Choices where our worlds come crashing down and we get to choose – are we going down in flames fed by fumes of alcohol, misery and resentment, or are we going to walk through the fire and come through on the other side, scarred but cleansed of our bullshit so that we may be stronger.
The day I chose to walk through the fire I chose to step into my energy of a warrior.
I sat my ass down and started asking myself the tough questions.
Those that quite frankly I didn’t have the balls to ask before.
Questions such as:
- Where in my life am I playing small because I’m too ashamed to be seen?
- Where in my life am I hiding behind others, including my kids, because I don’t believe in my capabilities?
- Where in my life am I not being honest, including to myself, because I don’t value myself enough to uphold my values?
- Where in my life am I not living in integrity, sacrificing my desires to keep the peace?
- Where in my life am I lying to myself because the truth hurts like a mofo?
It is one of my core beliefs that a warrior is honourable.
The role model that I cherish to this day is that of my grandfather.
A man who fought in the wars under the most horrendous of circumstances and went on to dedicate his life in service of keeping the peace by joining the police force.
I adored my grandfather.
There was something in him that humbled me.
Here was a man who commanded respect of entire platoons yet the kindness and love that overflowed from his heart was tangible.
He was my rock.
The great love of my childhood.
Taken from me way too early.
And I disgraced his memory.
I disgraced him by falling into the trap of deception where little white lies are acceptable.
Shit, we don’t even call it lies anymore.
We just stop showing the fuck up and don’t keep our word.
Because I didn’t say “I promise” it doesn’t count.
Unless it’s written in a contract we say it doesn’t matter.
We insist that it’s our right to change our minds at any given moment regardless of the commitments we’ve made.
Except every time we shift out of integrity, we weaken our foundation.
And as in any structure, even a hairline fracture will over time grow into a point so weak that with the slightest shake the entire building will crumble to dust.
I grew up in a house of lies.
I’m not going to use it to excuse my own behaviour.
I grew up in a home where I KNEW things were not okay.
I KNEW that we as a family were living out of integrity.
As with any socialisation, at first I was confused as what I felt to be true was not mirrored to me in real life. It felt wrong. Slowly I became decensitized and comfortable with that which surrounded me. Before I knew it, I was lying with the rest of them.
More importantly, I attracted to myself in adulthood those who continued to model the same behaviour until I had conveniently convinced myself that it was okay to pay my bills late. To not pay my speeding fines. To say I would do something when I had no intention to keep my word because really, in the bigger scheme of things, it didn’t matter. Or so I told myself.
All of this leads to one thing my friend –
A LIFE LIVED IN THE SHADOWS.
I want you to know this.
Not keeping your word has fuckall to do with the other party and the impact it has on them,
it has EVERYTHING to do with you, your life, you showing up for your purpose.
When you don’t keep your word, you stop believing yourself.
You stop believing IN yourself.
You self-sabotage everything, and for what?
Because you’re too ashamed to own up that you’ve screwed up?
Because you’re too chicken shit to take a chance on yourself and so you use your spouse as an excuse by saying they won’t let you?
I know I know – I’m being a real bitch right now.
I’m saying these things because that’s exactly what I used to do.
I ended up so fucking pathetically small, so weak, so filled with shame, that I might as well have died.
It took every ounce of resolve and self-respect that was hiding at the bottom of my heart to turn it around.
To contact every creditor and come clean about my current situation.
To ask for assistance and agreeing to special payment plans.
And from that day, I kept my word.
I don’t miss a single payment regardless of what it’s for.
It took everything in me to start having the honest conversations and admit that I was miserable and that no, I wasn’t prepared to sacrifice my desires and my values anymore.
It took everything in me to start showing up and only agreeing to that which I was determined to do.
To start saying NO.
Not because my husband said I couldn’t do it, not because I had kids to consider, not because I didn’t have the money, but because it was my choice.
This my friend, is what started to change everything in my life.
Slowly but surely I started believing myself again.
I started believing that when I said I was going to do something, I would.
No matter how tough it was.
No matter how long it took.
No matter how much humble pie I had to eat.
I started feeling pride in myself again.
I started believing IN myself again.
And I started showing the fuck up.
I am not proud of my past behaviour, but I am no longer filled with shame either.
It’s a tough journey of learning and I’m far from the finish line.
I can’t even begin to tell you how many tears have flowed from my eyes to get to a point of forgiving myself.
How tough this piece is today because the voice inside of me is screaming that I’m going to be judged and crucified for admitting that yes, I FUCKED UP and I abandoned myself for a very long time.
But I also know that me choosing to hide in shame does not serve my soul tribe.
It does not honour the memory of my grandfather.
I didn’t come here to bullshit more people and saying it’s okay to lie – especially not to ourselves.
I didn’t choose this lifetime to model to my children that dishonesty is acceptable.
I came here to be a warrior.
To raise warriors.
Society is being torn up right now Darling.
If you just open your eyes you will see the truth in this.
Look past the photoshopped photos.
Look past the 2 hour make-up sessions to create an illusion of beauty and joy.
Look past the lies of ‘overnight success’.
Look past the norm of dishonour.
See the truth for yourself and you will find relationships falling apart. Record sales of anything addictive to dull the senses. Horrendous numbers of suicides.
Do you think this is a result of honour?
Do you think this is the outcome of truth?
I invite you today to take an honest look at your own life.
Where are you living out of integrity?
Where are you playing small to keep the peace?
Where are you not honouring your values so that others won’t have to take responsibility?
Where are you hiding behind others so that you won’t have to live up to your full potential because you don’t BELIEVE in yourself?
Don’t do this from a space of shame.
Do it with the intention of uncovering the truth.
The truth which can liberate you.
From this space of transparency you will be in a powerful place to choose.
For only death is inevitable.
Thriving is a choice which has to start with honesty.