The question I’ve been journaling on for the past few months has been “What do I desire?”
It sounds like such a simple question.
Yet it’s been one of the toughest to answer.
For years I’ve completely disconnected from my desires.
Somewhere, very early on in life, I started hearing ‘no’.
No – you can’t have that because there isn’t any money for it.
No – you shouldn’t ask for that because you’re putting others on the spot and making them feel bad.
No – you can’t do that because it’s not normal.
No – you can’t say that because it’s disrespectful.
No – you can’t read that because it’s not approved by church and government.
No – you can’t think that because it’s unrealistic.
No – you shouldn’t be heard because you’re just a child and you have no right to an opinion.
No – you shouldn’t dream so big because it ain’t never going to happen for you.
No – you should stop wasting your time because you’re simply not smart enough to get anywhere in life.
No – you must never pleasure yourself because it’s a sin.
No – you shouldn’t flirt because it makes you a slut asking for trouble.
No – you can’t just dance and howl anywhere you like because it makes you look like a crazy person and it’s embarrassing.
As a young girl, desire was simple – all I wanted was to dance.
Living in a dysfunctional home, dance was my lifeline.
It was my way of leaving the mundane and entering a world of free expression.
Where the music would infuse my body with sweet release and move my limbs, allowing emotions to wash through me, leaving me open to receive more.
A space of expansion, beauty, freedom, joy.
No matter what was happening in my life, I could always come back to dance.
She was my lover, my protector, my safety.
I lost dance.
Sitting on the floor, my knees black with clotted blood, the disks moving from side to side in an almost comical fashion, I knew it was over.
It was the final NO.
I stopped feeling special.
Imagine a fairy without her wings.
What does that even make her?
Or so it felt.
I stopped believing in magic.
I stopped believing in freedom.
I stopped believing in myself,
my right to pleasure and joy and freedom.
And like so many others,
I settled for an ordinary life.
I settled for existence.
On the outside I had all the trimmings – success in corporate, red sporty car, handsome husband, degrees, beautiful home, gorgeous kids.
But on the inside,
in the darkness,
I was in so much pain.
I don’t think there is any greater pain than that of self-abandonment.
You see Darling, I gave up on me simply because the playing field changed.
And instead of embracing this, instead of mourning the loss of my ability to dance professionally, instead of being guided to walk through a new door,
I was told to do the responsible thing and be like everyone else.
To just get over it.
To just move on.
Nobody ever acknowledged my loss, my deep sorrow, my anger.
And I was PLENTY fucking angry!
At God and the Universe for taking this away from me when this was all I thought I had.
At the cruelty of fate to bring me so far along the path and then, at the tipping point, rip it out of my hands.
Most of all, I was angry at myself.
That I couldn’t be stronger.
I felt that I had let myself down.
So I started punishing myself.
First I starved myself – six Thinz tablets washed down with a pot of coffee, three tins of Diet Coke and a packet of Benson and Hedges Special Mild would get me through most days.
Then I started drowning myself in alcohol – at the height of my drinking career I drank 36 shots of Tequila to get the party started.
Next came the toxic relationships – you know the ones I’m talking about. “I love you – but you really should lose more weight. I love you – but you really should tone it down. I love you – but you really should know your place. I love you – but you’re really fucked up.”
I switched to eating copious amounts of anything. Thinking that if I put enough fat between myself and the world they would all fuck off and leave me alone.
Okay, I could go on and on but you get it right?
My point today is that the moment I stopped saying YES to myself, the only option was NO.
Continuously saying YES to everyone else and NO to ourselves, means death.
YES is opening ourselves up to receiving.
It’s opening ourselves up to growth.
It’s opening ourselves up to joy.
No closes us down to all of this.
I decided that things had to change.
That I was ready to start saying YES to myself again finally understanding that YES to myself is YES to thrive!
Because honestly, living and ordinary life, sucks!
So I started asking myself “What do I desire?“
It was a good start, but I was missing a word.
Words are so powerful my friend.
A single word can change everything.
This morning I was gifted with the word.
What is the ESSENCE of my desire?
And it was so obvious.
It always was – after all, the essence of dance for me was LOVE.
Not Hollywood love.
Not codependent love.
The real thing.
Love which is that connection to Source.
Source which is all.
Love that lights up my entire being and sending out particles of self to connect with EVERYTHING.
Love that spills over into absolute pleasure, joy, presence, purpose, connection, romance,
Romancing life itself.
As if every day is your birthday.
Because it is.
Every day is THAT special because every day YOU’RE THAT special!
Why are we not celebrating every day as if to say “Look world! I’m still here! I’m magical. I’m love. I’m enough!”
Can you feel it Darling?
Are you smiling at the thought?
Of living life as a wonderful gift every single day?
Eating only what you truly desire and savouring every last crumb of deliciousness?
Hugging everyone with laughter and love connecting in the moment, body to body, smile to smile?
Doing all the things that lights your fire, moving your body, doing your soul-work, being with soulmate friends?
Having those deep connecting conversations?
I spent a lifetime trying to find the things that would make me happy.
Instead of choosing happiness.
In every moment.
By connecting to the essence of what I truly desire.
And then knowing,
that I can gift myself love right now.
I don’t need to do anything to feel love.
I don’t need to be anything to feel love.
I don’t need to have anything to feel love.
So my gift to you today, with love, is to ask you: “What is the essence of your desire?”
Only death is inevitable.
Thriving is a choice which starts with asking the right questions.
With true love always,
PS: Liberation is my gift to my clients.
Gifting them with a space to reconnect with their true desires.
Gifting them with the questions to reconnect with their personal wisdom.
Gifting them the unconditional belief in themselves to live a life of thrive.
If you’ve reached that tipping point in your life
where your wings are broken but you know you’re still magic
where you desire to reclaim the essence of your desires, drop me a mail to find out more about what working privately with me looks like.