Sometimes I wonder if I’m just bat-shit crazy for seeking out my pain.

It started 1 am.

I woke up for no apparent reason.

One side of my brain was trying to convince me that I’ve had a full nights’ sleep.

The other side made me aware of the fact that my eyes were hurting – a sure sign that I needed more sleep.

But sleep had left the building.

At first I lay there thinking of all the reasons I’m so grateful to be lying next to my peacefully sleeping husband.

Gratitude turned into irritation.

Why the fuck does he get to sleep whilst I’m lying awake listening to his even, deep, restful breaths.

I pumped his ribs “Turn on your side”

Which is code for “You’re snoring”

Except the poor bastard wasn’t snoring at all.  I was just feeling shitty.

Sometimes I can be real bitch.

Another 30 minutes passed.

No sign of the Sandman.

Fuck.

I have so much to do today I can’t afford to be tired!

By 2 am I gave up the fight, took my Kindle and sat in the lounge reading.

3 am I switched off the light again.

This is ridiculous!

5 am the birds started chirping on my phone – my alarm choice which normally makes me feel like Snow White.  This morning I could have taken out a gun and shot the happy little bastards.

Coffee.

What do I need?

I need my coach.  She’ll shift my sorry ass fast.  Somehow she always knows what to say.

And true to form she did – I was reminded in her very matter of fact tone that at any given moment I get to choose my emotions.  Sure, I could choose to feel sorry for myself and tell my body how exhausted I am and stomp around all day getting pretty much nothing done.

Or.

I could focus on my desired outcomes that I’m working on at the moment, figure out what I need to feel to succeed, and then just choose to feel it taking action that would enhance the feeling instantly.

Simple.

It’s always so fucking simple.

I thought about it.

What do I need to feel to achieve my goals?

I need to feel focussed.

I need to feel badass.

I need to feel confident.

I need to feel connected to my purpose.

I need to feel energised.

I need to feel like ME!

What do I do to feel like me?

I hurt like a mother and push through it.

Shit, that sounds a bit insane right?

I can already hear the sirens pulling up outside my house.  Two men putting me in a straightjacket and loading me in the back of the white van to whisk me off to Crazy-Ville whilst I’m screaming like a wild animal black hair flying everywhere.

But it’s true.

There was a time when I would hide the fact that I intentionally use my body to unleash my emotions – and apparently I have a lot of pain.  The blessing of a life chosen in service of healing others and then raising my hand and saying “I’ll feel all the shit so I never lose my empathy”.

I use her to absorb the turmoil that’s going on in my head and to bring up that which I need to deal with for me to go next level.  I take her to my pain, my sorrow, my shame.  I take her and I give her all of it and then she gives it right back to me.

Every ounce of it.

She gives me more pain than most would ever dream of enduring.

She makes me choose.

Stop or push on.

And it is a choice my friend.

Every fucking time.

Whatever is happening in your life – you get to choose.

Do you choose to give up.

Do you choose to push on.

Do you choose to hide from the pain.

Do you choose to find the pain and work through it.

Do you choose to be normal.

Do you choose to be weird.

Do you choose to feel shitty.

Do you choose to feel badass howling at the moon.

This morning I chose to get up, lace up, and run to my pain.

I chose to connect with my inner self.

I chose to see Luna and to remember that she shines no matter what.  She doesn’t give a shit if people stop to appreciate her beauty – she shines.  She doesn’t switch off just because there are some clouds blocking out her light – she shines.  She doesn’t immediately sit down when the sun starts creeping up on the horizon – she shines.

What a magnificent reminder of how to live a powerful life.

So often we only shine as long as others are paying attention.  As long as it’s fair weather.  As long as nobody else shines brighter.

Why?

If you know you’re here for a reason and you have a purpose, it’s your responsibility to shine.

Regardless of who might be looking.

Regardless of what’s going on in your personal life.

Regardless of how much sleep you’ve had.

Just Fucking Shine!

Even that is a choice.  To shine or not to shine…

Everything is a choice.

I just don’t have time to make shitty choices for a long period of time anymore.  Been there.  Done that.  Chucked the pills into the bin.

I don’t have time to play by ordinary rules and beliefs that states we must be fearless and avoid pain at all cost.

We’re going to be scared.

We’re going to hurt.

Personally I choose to choose my stench of fear and my brand of pain.

I choose to use whatever God gave me in his wisdom as tools to live a powerful life filled with growth and learning.

Not that I expect you to make the same choices as me.

That would be a little fucked up.

We’re not the same person.

We don’t have the same life purpose.

We don’t have the same lessons.

We don’t have the same strengths.

Which is exactly why I’m encouraging you today to figure out what feels good to you.  What is it that you would feel when you have achieved your most transformational goals, what can you do to unleash those emotions right now and then choose to feel them!  Or not.

But at least now you’re making a conscious choice.

You step back into your power.

You are already a victor regardless of your choice.

And why wouldn’t you want to choose Darling?

Why the hell not?

Other than fear.

Fear of your power and admitting that your life is the result of your daily choices.

Which would mean that if you don’t like what you see you can choose differently.

Scary shit.

Owning that amount of power.

But I know you.

You have what it takes.

You’re a badass.

You’re a leader.

You came here to do epic shit and change people’s lives.

What will it take for you to choose to do so now instead of ten years from now?

Figure it out.

Today.

For death is coming.  You can choose to thrive now.

With love always,

Anel

PS:  It saddens me to see how few people are making the connection between body, mind and spirit.  Oh I’m not talking about academically – I know we all say the words.  But very few people actually connect with the wisdom of living it.  Courage, Clarity and Confidence is going to be one helluva ride Darling.  Six weeks of me walking beside you and showing you how to connect to your true purpose and your biggest vision.  How to let go, how to release, how to forgive so that you can move forward without the weight of things long past which is preventing you from loving yourself enough to thrive. I ‘m going to connect you gently to your body so that you make more intuitive choices and give you the confidence to start trusting your intuition.  I anticipate that there will be tears.  I anticipate there will be screams.  I anticipate there will be howling. I anticipate that there will be laughter.  That’s because Courage, Clarity and Confidence is for the natural leader, high achiever who is ready to do the work and make a difference in the lives of others.  Are you?  Are you ready to do the deep work that’s going to change your entire life?  We start Monday.  If you haven’t checked out the details yet do so here.  And if you have any questions hit me a mail and ask!