I fucked up.
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
Why do I continuously step out of alignment with my true self?
Why do I keep losing focus at the end of the day and unconsciously reach for the packet of M&M’s.
Popping them into my mouth one after the other.
Not even savouring the sweetness but instead gorging mindlessly.
I push past the discomfort I started feeling in my stomach after the fifth one.
I ignore the voice inside shouting “Hey Anel – Wake UP! Look at what you’re doing! This is NOT who you are! WAKE UP! WAKE! THE! FUCK! UP!”
I tilt the packet.
And finally, I register.
I’ve done it again.
In a moment of slumber I gave into my old self-sabotaging behaviours which was made oh so easy as a loved one gifted me with the packet of M&M’s at the end of a full-on day.
No, I’m not passing the blame. I take full accountability.
I sit with the energy and start looking at what is really going on.
Things are changing faster than the Flash can run at the moment.
It’s all good. REALLY good.
It’s what I’ve been working my ass off for.
It’s what I truly desire in my heart of hearts.
It’s my purpose manifested.
But my ego is a relentless bitch and lately she’s been whispering her poisonous lies into my subconscious.
Lies that I am not good enough.
Lies that I’m not safe.
It’s not safe for me to speak my truth so openly.
It’s not safe for me to be seen on this big a scale.
People won’t like me anymore.
They will turn their backs on me.
They will hate me and they will crucify me.
I will end up alone.
I sit in this energy and I question.
Is this love? For love is the only truth.
If not love, it’s bullshit.
Even when covered in deliciously sweet chocolate.
So I take a deep breath and I exhale.
Okay, so I ate the packet.
That kinda sucks for me.
But hell, I could have had a more painful reminder that this work is 24/7 so I’m grateful and appreciative of the opportunity to take stock.
And the old me would have gone straight into motherfucking guilt and shame.
I would NEVER have shared this moment of weakness with you.
I would have gone out and trained harder than ever before – punishing myself for being such a pathetic weak little bitch.
I would have gone out and ripped my muscles past the point of recovery and then relished in the pain because this is what I deserved.
I would have gone out trying to make amends with Creator because I had sinned once again so if I punished myself enough she wouldn’t have to.
This was my old behaviour.
Beautifully plastered in shame.
I’m not standing for it anymore.
I have made a choice to reject shame.
I have made the decision that shame was never mine to own. That it was simply passed on to me by others because they didn’t have the brass ovaries to deal with their shit.
Breaking the cycle for generations to come.
I compassionately forgive myself and I move the fuck on.
I light some candles, put on some of my favourite tunes, and I gently massage the stress of the day out of my body.
I go stand in front of the mirror, look myself in the eyes and I tell my reflection that I approve of her. That I love her. That I accept her unconditionally.
And instantly I step back into alignment.
Because the whole guilt, shame, punishment cycle we go through when we fuck up, is part of the self-sabotage. It takes us further away from our dreams! It puts us on a freight train heading back to Shitville.
Today, right now, you can choose to get off.
Knowing that every now and again you will slumber, that the ego will seize the opportunity to take you off track, and yes you might even fuck up.
But that is part of the journey, part of the growth, part of the victory.
I invite you today to take a look at where and how you’re keeping yourself out of alignment with your dreams?
Is it the packet of chocolate?
The bottle of wine?
The excessive torturous exercise not for the joy and the health, but for punishment and revulsion at the image in the mirror?
Is it channel hopping way past ten?
Is it hitting the snooze button at 5 am and then having to skip your journaling, your meditation, your power hour?
Is it procrastinating in signing up with the coach that you know you are meant to be working with?
More importantly, how do you react to this?
With love and forgiveness OR shame and contraction?
What will it take for YOU to break the addiction?
What will you focus on that has you willing to do the work 24/7 because the pain of living out alignment is simply unbearable?
Who will you ask for support, accountability, reflection?
Not your loved ones – for they will always reinforce your old patterns. They can’t help themselves. You’ve trained them to act in this way.
Which means if you’re serious about change, it’s time to bring on the big guns.
To set yourself up for success.
To stop fucking around and make thrive your only option.
For death is inevitable.
Thriving is a choice.
With love always,
PS: It has taken me decades to reach this point in my life where I am compassionately course correcting and quantum leaping to higher levels of success in next to no time.
It’s taken working with some interesting coaches and working with some powerhouse coaches to get here. And I continue to work with the powerhouses because for me, failure is simply not an option.
Powerhouse is what I bring to my clients.
I hold a space of zero judgement and limitation for you.
A space where you can uncover your true desires without anyone telling you it’s impossible.
A space where you can finally witness your self-sabotaging behaviours and put the structures, the habits, the support in place that will keep you on track regardless of your environment.
I kick ass – because I love and respect.
I demand your best version self.
I demand your excellence.
Because I believe in you.
I know that once you are tapped in and turned on you can be, do and have it all.
But it takes work.
The true work.
If you’re ready, book your free consult today and let’s break your addiction to self-sabotage.