Oh dear, this is a little embarrassing.
Letting you into my private ‘hall of shame’.
Because you know, I like to share my shit with you once I’ve figured it all out and have new results to show.
Once I’ve gone through the dark tunnel and I’m jumping in joy in the light.
But not today.
It’s too important for you to wait for me to shift through the entire process.
I know that chances are brilliant that my awareness this morning will benefit you greatly, so I’m sharing it although my ego is screaming like a fucking loon in my head!
“No Anel! They’ll think you’re such a coward.
Such a fake.
Such an idiot.
Which means your sperm donor was right – you’re nothing but a stupid bitch.
You’re not worth jack shit.”
So here’s what happened – real time – which also explains why my blog is so late today.
I woke up at 4 am. All on fire and ready to go. Waiting for my alarm so I can get thriving in my day.
Alarm went off.
I shot out of bed like a rocket.
My husband didn’t.
In fact, he pressed the snooze button.
And I freaked!
I went into a complete spin because he’s messing with our perfectly rehearsed morning routine.
It was a little absurd and I was stunned by my reaction.
Which could only mean one thing…
… time to journal the shit out of what’s going on.
Here’s what I figured out in my torrent of words: It has nothing to do with my husband. Nadah. It’s all me.
It’s 45 years of fear which has been neatly kept at bay within the confinement of routines.
Yes, I’m a routine freak.
Which then made me realise that I’m also a control freak.
Which rarely works out for me especially considering my hunger for adventure.
Adventure never happens in a controlled environment.
Really bizarre is the fact that I can take a back-pack and walking stick and go climb a mountain where people have died and once I take that first step, I’m completely calm. In the zone baby. Thriving.
My husband presses the snooze button on a Wednesday morning and I lose the plot.
Which had me thinking how much energy I lose when people mess with my routine and considering I have kids, it’s actually quite a lot.
This realisation also explains why school holidays spins me out!
And you know what, I didn’t enjoy feeling like a scared little bitch whilst journaling and reliving a childhood filled with uncertainty. A childhood where I often received the backlash of someone else losing their shit and since I was always the smallest in stature, I guess that made me the perfect target.
It went a lot deeper, but I’m not ready to stand completely naked in front of you today.
I’m still feeling a tad raw from my awareness this morning.
Especially since I then decided to take back my control by throwing my day into complete chaos!
Not doing anything at the time or place that I normally do it in.
It feels really shit.
Normally, by this time of the day I feel like a badass achiever with all my creative goals accomplished for the day.
But not today.
It’s almost time to start supper and I’m still writing my blog FFS.
I’m determined to see it through though.
I’m determined to prove to my ego that I can turn my day topsy-turvy and still go to bed a winner in every sense of the word.
But it’s hard as hell.
I’m really struggling.
Even writing this makes me feel so incompetent.
Which is just another egotistical story.
That’s why I’m sharing it with you.
I want you to understand that our worlds are created based on the stories we tell ourselves which is reinforced through experience and unless we take the time to investigate, we become the reader instead of the author.
Or rather, that’s what it feels like.
We’re still the author.
Just in a coma.
In conclusion – I’ve awakened to another scene in my story.
Another little quirk that my ego designed for me to not be in full power.
Another way of staying small.
Instead I’m working through all of that which has happened in my past, bringing the monsters out of the cupboard, embracing them in compassionate hugs and sending them on their merry ways.
I’m facing my fears and taking action regardless of my trembling legs (and hands as I’m typing this) and I know I’ll be okay.
I know that by 8 pm I will breathe a sigh of relief, look at myself in the mirror and state “I’m so proud of you Anel. We sure did show all those motherfuckers what we’re made of. You badass you.”
Well tomorrow I will choose to consciously embrace my routine because I know I rock it out.
It’s not about throwing the baby out with the bath water.
It’s not about changing everything because we become aware of the drivers.
It’s just about conscious choice.
So my Darling, where in your life is auto-pilot creating a false sense of security for you which hushes your inner voice for healing?
Where are you in a relationship which is long past it’s due date because you tell yourself rather the devil you know than the devil you don’t?
Where are you so stuck in a job that you can do it with your eyes closed keeping you half-asleep from your potential?
It’s truly time for the warriors, the healers, the leaders, the change bringers to question not just ‘the’ system, but their systems. Their stories.
Empower yourself with conscious choice.
For death is inevitable. Thriving is a choice.
With love eternal,