As I sat with my journal this morning, I felt the old frustration of being human.
Why the hell am I still holding back?
Why am I still not showing up fully as who I am?
What are the fears still lurking out of sight, that has me tippy-toeing around?
The power of journaling is you can’t bullshit yourself.
I know you’re a master bullshitter,
but when you set the intention for the truth to be revealed,
the pen obeys your soul, not your ego.
Line after line after line appeared on the pages.
Old fears reborn through ink.
Most of them I kept thinking – I’ve dealt with you so you can just fuck off!
Until it popped up:
I felt the pain,
like a punch to the gut.
There she was.
Sneaky little bitch!
“What if I lose it all again??????”
I sat staring for a while.
This one had no argument to her.
Evidence is real.
I have lost it all before:
- I’ve lost family before
- I’ve lost my physical power before
- I’ve lost my friends before
- I’ve lost my lover before
- I’ve lost all my money before
- I’ve lost my health before
- I’ve lost my will to live before – and this one was worst of all.
BUT AM I DEAD YET?
Quite frankly, I was ready to deal with this gremlin once and for all.
I acknowledged her in full.
Down to her lacy g-string.
She was seductive,
no wonder I kept her voice in my head.
But you know what,
I’m not the little woman I was when I lost all those things.
I’ve “grown up” some.
Aaah, who are we kidding???? LOL
I fucking refuse to grow up.
I’ve just remembered a little more of the wisdom that’s resident inside each of us.
I now know that everything happens FOR me.
I understand now that everything is energy and that as we choose to upgrade our personal selves,
all of which chooses to remain the same,
has to be released.
It’s the most loving thing in this world.
Which means every person who has left my side,
has done so with soul-love.
And, each time, I have fallen a little more in love with myself.
Which has been a HUGE part of my learning in this life-time.
Okay let’s digress a bit, this shit is important so bare with me.
Like majority of the world I grew up believing that love was something to be experienced outside of myself.
That for me to be loved, I had to be loveable.
It is something I had to earn,
and then stay the same so that I could keep it.
Except there’s certain ‘relationships’ which demands unquestioned ‘love and loyalty’.
Mostly in the guise of what we call ‘family’ including putting a ring on your finger.
As I was born with a vagina, I had to submit to the penis-gender in order for me to be considered worthy of love.
I had to be the little woman behind the big man.
I had to feed the troops as they would protect me.
I had to hold my tongue when elders spoke,
even when what they said made no sense to me whatsoever.
As a ballsy little rebel you can see that I was screwed from the word go!
I had no chance of EVER being loveable.
God knows I tried.
I went so far as to take my true nature,
stick her in a coffin,
and buried her alive.
Thinking she would quietly suffocate and I would FINALLY be what they wanted.
I WOULD BE LOVED AND THAT WOULD AUTOMATICALLY MEAN I’M HAPPY!
We both know how that worked out for me.
It took me 45 years to return to myself.
To go dig up that grave and find love where it’s always been –
INSIDE OF ME.
I learned that love is IMPOSSIBLE without self-love.
Now, you can love me or you can leave.
Never again will I abandon myself for the codependent bullshit you call love.
Okay where were we?
Ah yes –
I acknowledged her,
I thanked her for the reminder of the learning, and then,
I stacked evidence against her of all I have created since the original events.
- Where I previously lost family, I remembered the true intent of the concept of family: love, respect, acceptance, appreciation.
- I’ve outgrown some friends, connected with new friends, and learned to enjoy and truly appreciate the seasons of each in my life.
- I’ve lost my physical power, and through strategic training I have not only regained it but exceeded what I’ve had before.
- I’ve lost my lover and gained my love.
- I’ve lost my money and built an international powerhouse company impacting way more people and making way more money.
- I’ve lost my health, adjusted my lifestyle and have never been healthier than I am right now.
- I’ve lost my will to live and discovered my ability to THRIVE.
Every one of those losses have provided the opportunity to learn, to do it better, to create an incredible infrastructure which allows me to go even higher, be even stronger, more creative,
For me, this means every loss creates an even greater gain in my life!
And people wonder why I’m so passionate about doing the real work?
This is why my Darling.
Those who refuse to do the introspection,
because you know,
“I don’t journal”
“I don’t believe in personal development”
“It’s just not who I am”,
are sitting in a heap of hopeless suffering.
They sit there feeling lost and lonely as life continues to lovingly give them the lessons.
Except, due to their stubborn refusal to WAKE THE FUCK UP life gives them compound learning.
Which means the lessons become more painful
and at every moment
they have the choice
to pay attention,
or sink down lower.
Why are suicide rates so high?
Because whether you want to admit it or stick your head in the sand and have your ass whipped,
more and more bitches and bastards like me ARE doing the work.
We are elevating global energy Darling and if you choose to sit on your low vibe,
your pain is going to be amplified.
No longer will we rescue you or carry you or kiss your arse.
With love, if you’re not happy with where you’re at,
start making better choices.
I will not step down because the older generation are ‘set in their ways’.
I’m fighting for our kids.
Which is why I continuously choose to grow down.
Remembering who I knew myself to be when I was but a little tod.
Isn’t it about bloody time you choose to grown down a little and come play with me in the sky?
Or will you continue to live like you’re already dead?
Thriving is always the choice of the rebel hero.
And you know we need more of those right now.
With love and appreciation,
PS: HAVE YOU SEEN THAT APPLICATIONS ARE OPEN????
That’s right Darling, right now courageous men and women are stepping the fuck up and applying for the next intake of the Coach Apprenticeship.
This is a six month INTENSE certification program for passionate coaches ready to start a revolution by BEING the change they seek in the world, fearlessly leading their cult following, building an empire of lasting impact, and becoming legendary.
THE APPRENTICESHIP IS ONLY FOR THOSE READY TO TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEMSELVES, COMMITTED TO THEIR OWN BEST VERSION SELF.
In all honesty, I don’t work with just anyone.
I work those who are serious about success.
The ones who are prepared to do whatever it takes.
I’m unfiltered, passionate and I don’t pull my punches.
If you’re a little fragile, if you prefer a soft touch, I’m probably not for you.
And I know that for you to TRULY become confident, showing up in your power, takes attention.
Which is why this program is limited to a very small number of hand-picked apprentices.
The application process is rigorous.
It will take courage.
You will feel out of your depth.
You will feel uncomfortable.
Which is the first hurdle.
I want you to show me that you WANT this with a burning desire that won’t back down when others falter.
I want you to show me that you’re going to DO whatever it takes to become that leader worthy of raving fans.
And once you’ve demonstrated this level of commitment,
You will enter the program KNOWING that my commitment to your success is absolute.
If this is speaking to your SOUL,
If you know this IS what you’ve been waiting for,
Message me for the details so we can get you started with your application Darling.