I can’t help but think that humanity has lost the plot when it comes to boundaries. Like so many other powerful tools it’s been warped and twisted into a tool of egotistical cock-fighting.
Personally I believe strong boundaries are expressions of love.
True love which starts with self.
It’s about putting in the work to gather all the split-off fractions of your beautiful self which has been broken and scattered by the winds through people disapproving of your truth, your behavior, your difference, your opinions. It happens. It’s life. No reason for a pity party – just deal and get on with the task at hand.
This is probably some of the hardest graft you will ever have to do in your life but once you reach the point where you look in the mirror and truly love the person you see, then and only then are you in a position to truly love others. Actually then it’s kinda hard NOT to love others, regardless of their differences. You might not LIKE everyone, but you can love them.
With love comes value – where you value yourself and others. With value comes respect – for self and others. Out of respect and value and love flows boundaries.
For me boundaries say that you believe in yourself and others. There’s an energy of equality. This is the point where you acknowledge the true magnificence of each spirit and your life is a beautiful reflection of this belief.
And as you graciously uphold your own boundaries you also respect the boundaries of others. No more need for ego.
I have five personal boundaries which have served me well and which I’ve seen working magic in the lives of those I work with:
- I will not wait for anyone – When I first started riding with a group I would get so pissed when periodically they would wait for me at the top of a climb only to start riding again the moment I finally arrived, winded and spent. More than that I became frustrated with myself because I knew these guys were out training to race and I didn’t want to be their excuse for not performing at their optimal. I took it on myself to go out solo and train my ass off to get stronger so I could keep up with them on the group rides. I now have the same philosophy for my clients and others. That’s because I know that if they’re hungry enough to be in the lead pack, they will do the extra work to keep up. If not, they probably belong in the coffee group. I also happen to know from experience that waiting for others can be an excuse to give less than your best and will ultimately lead to a breakdown in the relationship with a tinge of resentment thrown in for extra flavor.
- I will halt unequal relationships – Co-dependency is a bitch! It creates a culture of victim and savior which becomes a symbiotic relationship of ego-feeding and addiction. Ultimately it leads to pain for both parties. If you are surrounding yourself with people who take more from you than they give, walk away. And if you’re surrounding yourself with people who give more than you are willing to you’re nothing more than an energy vampire. You want to surround yourself with those who bring out your A-game Darling so that you can give your best version self to them.
- I will not idealize others – When we put others on pedestals we keep ourselves smaller than. Of course that’s just an excuse not to show up for yourself at your full potential. I realized a long time ago that we are all born equal. Nobody is more special. But when a few work their asses off, dedicate their lives to achievement often making tremendous sacrifices behind the scenes, we idealize them so we can excuse ourselves from fully showing up. We relinquish our boundaries because they’re ‘more important’ but that is so disrespectful to them. Meet each person as your equal because the true rock stars will respect your boundaries in the same spirit as you respect theirs.
- I will operate from my truth – Can you imagine how different the world would be if everyone just operated from their truth? And stopped judging other peoples’ truth? Why can’t we just understand that your truth is unique to you, in this moment, for where you find yourself and with the experiences you’ve had to form those beliefs? Understand as well that your truth will change – it’s called growth. The only reason people don’t operate from their truth is they’re terrified of being called on it by people who are bored with their own lives so they’re constantly looking around at who else they can ‘catch out’ and criticize. Yet the moment we abandon our truth, we stop trusting ourselves. We stop respecting ourselves. We stop valuing ourselves. We stop truly loving ourselves because we have gone into judging ourselves. Can you see the spiral downwards?
- I will assert against disrespect – There is a difference between assertiveness and aggression (but that is a topic for another day). When you value and love yourself it’s simply not possible to entertain disrespect. At this stage I find myself appreciating peoples’ opinion of me, but I don’t tolerate people disrespecting me. Quite frankly Darling, I love myself way too much to become a punching bag for your personal frustrations. Disrespect always stems from fear and that is absence of love. Simple. As. That.
I invite you to try these on for size and if they fit, use them. If they don’t, simply define your own. As always there’s no right or wrong. Just right or wrong for you.
If you’re ready to fully embrace who you are and feel that you might have been playing a tad smaller than you know you can and if you know in your heart that I’m the coach who will hold the space of your next level growth, then now is the time for us to connect.
I’ve created Kick-start for born achievers who are hungry for their next level. You can get all the details here.
As always remember that death is inevitable, but thriving is a choice.