Dearly departed toenail… What are you not releasing?

Focus Anel.

Clear your mind.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Ugh, my toe hurts.

Shuffle a little.

Change position of my foot.


Okay, now focus.

Clear your mind.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

It’s still hurting.



Another 15 minutes of interrupted meditation goes by.

This is simply getting ridiculous!


I get out the nail polish remover,

and reveal the culprit.



that’s VERY purple.


It’s been months since my epic adventure at Abel Tasman.

Since my return,

I’ve lost 3 toenails and have another 2 staring at me,

angry purple-blue,

so I’ve simply been painting them thinking that somehow,

if I could live in denial for long enough,

they would miraculously get cured.


Never mind the fact that my big toe has been hurting





I kept telling myself that I can save her.

Because the alternative,

would mean I only have 6 toenails left,

and it’s looking pretty fucking





I know,

I know…





And it’s not even about how it looks to me,

but to others.

Especially since my youngest has such a strong reaction to my nails coming off.

“EEEWWWW MOM that’s so gross.

Get that thing away from me.”

With all the drama that only a teenager can muster.


But eventually I have to ask myself:

How much longer am I willing to tolerate discomfort,

for the sake of appearances,

and also,

the pain looming ahead of getting that little baby off,

as she seems to be clinging to my flesh with the determination of a pitbull?



I’ll spare you the gory details of how I sat there,

gently coaxing the dead nail to let go of my foot.

Weeks of agony,

was over in less than five minutes of focused attention.


What’s important for you to know is

there was NONE of the anticipated pain.


It was all in my head,

aggravated by the research done which mentally had me prepared for ripped skin and pouring blood.

Which is really absurd considering I’ve been loosing toenails since the age of 13 when I got my first pair of ballet blocks.

Yet somehow,

the evidence of others seem to cloud our own memories.

The mind is a POWERFUL thing my friend.


More importantly,

was the immediate relief I felt as the pressure simply disappeared!


The new nail had already been forming underneath and the relentless pain was caused by the fact that

there’s simply not space for the old and the new to co-exist!


Does it look gorgeous?


But who the fuck actually cares about what my toe looks like in the bigger scheme of things?

Plus, it’s Winter.  I’ll simply wear socks 😉

Once I presented the offensive toe for inspection

Jacques simply said,

“Aaah mom, you can hardly notice it.”


Now, you might be thinking

What the actual fuck Anel?

What does your toenail have to do with me?



everything Darling.

Opportunities for awareness and learning exists in our everyday life.

In fact, if you scroll back and relook at the highlighted sentences,

taking it outside of the scenario,

you can have an a-ha moment or two!

Since most people don’t take the time to find the little gold nuggets gifted to them,

thinking losing a toenail is simply about losing a toenail,

instead of taking the opportunity to connect other areas of wisdom,

which is only possible when we choose to live in a state of presence,

I’m sharing some of mine.


Because right now,

if you’re on any form of growth-enhancing journey,

aka you’re alive,

there’s something which needs to be released.

There always is.


An area

a person

a habit

a thing

a belief

a thought-pattern

that’s causing you discomfort or outright pain.


Chances are that the reason you’re clinging to it so long,

is because you don’t want the icky response we inevitably receive from others.

You maybe don’t want to be responsible for their discomfort in your shedding process.

You want to avoid the not-so-pretty transition stage as you look,

dare I say it,


You think it’s going to hurt because others tell you so,

or a memory that you’ve coloured vividly making it even more than what it was.


Thing is Sunshine,

you can keep holding on to whatever you think you’re not ready to release.

Event though it not only hinders your growth,

but probably will start festering and become toxic to you.

You can continue to live in denial,

numbing the pressure with medication and distraction,

slowing your growth,

heaven only knows you’re strong enough to live in agony for decades.


Or you can choose to release in love,

with love,


and experience immediate relief.


Your experience of life is simply an expression of your choices.


Only death is inevitable.

Thriving is the choice of the not-so-pretty-feet Alpha.


Live with honour,



PS:  Need some clarity on what’s no longer in alignment?


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