My life is pretty spectacular at this point in time.
I live in God’s country – the pure beauty of this little island brings me to a standstill every time I go out on my bike. It simply demands appreciation.
My kids are perfect.
No really, I’m not just saying that.
I’m in the best health I’ve ever been.
My business is fun, stimulating, invigorating, exciting and my clients kick ass.
And I can do headstands!
In less than a month I’ll be celebrating my 45th birthday and this will be the first year where I can celebrate falling in love with myself.
All of this might equate to very little in your world, but in mine it’s nothing short of miraculous.
Because there was a time when my life was a living nightmare from which I struggled to wake.
I thought that being human meant that I was weak and I had to stick with the herd to survive.
Which meant the herd had to like me.
I was so obsessed with pleasing other people, with fitting into their little box of what a good girl and a good woman should be, that I hated myself.
Because I didn’t fit into the box.
I hated myself to the point where I starved my body. I lived on two cans of coke, three Thinz tablets, two packets of Benson & Hedges Special Mild and shit tons of coffee a day. I was an adult woman weighing 47 kilograms receiving compliments on how good I looked.
Then I hated myself to the point where I would drink until I puked. Bells, Spiced Gold, Tequila, Sambuca, Gin, Castle, Black Label. You name it, I drank it. 36 tots of Tequila to get to night started. Oh yes Baby, I was the life of the party.
Then I hated myself to the point where I ate until I could hardly get past my stomach to tie my shoes. I would look at myself in the mirror, turn away in revulsion, vomit rising with sour bile in my throat and go eat another slab of chocolate.
Then I hated myself to the point where I wanted to kill myself. Literally. I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted it to stop.
I’d had enough of the bullshit.
I’d had enough of the pretence.
I’d had enough of life.
I just wanted it all to end.
Just to end the fucking madness that was screaming inside of me.
The madness that nothing made sense to me.
The madness that society has this fucked up delusional blueprint of what I should look like and speak like and walk like and dress like and drive like and give like for me to be good, worthy, enough.
Except no matter what I did it was never enough.
I didn’t fit in.
I didn’t belong.
I was sick and tired of getting beaten down.
I was sick and tired of being told how screwed up I was and that I should relax and just try and be more normal.
I was sick and tired of following the ‘dream’ of working myself to death in a dead-end job just so I could claim success. Jumping up and down every time I could get more – more toys, more stuff, more validation, more debt, more bullshit.
I was sick and tired of doing life the way that everyone else was doing it because quite frankly, most everyone else looked pretty miserable to me.
They just didn’t know it.
Because like me, they had completely disconnected to themselves.
To their desires.
To their values.
To their truth.
But I didn’t drink those pills.
I didn’t give up.
Instead I made the choice to fight back.
To fight for my life.
To turn my back on all the preachers and teachers who told me to be the same as everyone else.
I decided to get selfish.
I decided to start thinking for myself. To start speaking for myself. To start healing myself. To start doing whatever the fuck made me happy.
I decided to reconnect with my body, my desires, my needs.
I stopped obsessing about my weight and started eating what my body wants, when my body wants it. Amazingly enough it’s not junk food.
I stopped obsessing about building my brand and finding my niche and posting eight times a day and started speaking my truth when my truth came out and to work with whoever resonated with my message. Which is probably why my clients all rock – because they question, and they rise against a social system that’s turned humans into commodities. They do the real work and they fall in love with themselves and thrive!
I stopped trying to fix everyone in my life and let them make their own choices and live with the results of their actions. I’m not here to save anyone or to walk their soul journey for them. Instead I keep my eyes on my own path.
I stopped comparing myself to everyone else’s photoshopped, Facebook edited lives and started appreciating every minute of my day, inhaling deeply, stopping to watch the sun creep over the horizon, smelling each new rose that flowers on my rose-bush outside my office window.
I stopped comparing myself to anyone else and started falling in love with who I am, body, mind and beautiful soul.
It’s taken me 45 years my friend.
And you know what?
I would do it all again.
All of it.
Every miserable fucking godforsaken horrible experience included.
For every single one of those presented me with opportunities to choose.
Opportunities to learn.
Opportunities to grow.
Opportunities to eventually question.
Oh I’m very aware it could have gone the other way.
One different choice and I would have ended up on a completely different time-line with a different reality today.
But I didn’t, and I’m here, and it’s fucking spectacular!
How about you?
Are you thrilled with your life?
Do you love the reflection in the mirror?
Do you thrive in your business?
Are you proud to be you?
Because if not you can change that right here. Right now.
It all boils down to a millisecond when you make a decision.
A decision to say fuck all the bullshit and the stereotyping and the feeling of never ever being good enough.
A decision to take a stand for yourself.
A decision to start fighting for your fucking life!
Nobody else is going to do it for you Darling.
There’s no Prince Charming coming to sweep you off your feet.
Prince Charming has his own life to live.
It’s up to you.
And I already know that you have everything inside of you to turn your life around regardless of your age. Regardless of your bank balance. Regardless of what your home currently looks like. Regardless of what your current relationship feels like.
All of that is external.
Stop focusing outside.
Start looking inside.
That’s where your power, your truth resides.
Are you ready?
Because seriously, I’m sick and tired of people saying tomorrow.
There’s no tomorrow. There’s only now. Right now. This moment.
What do you choose?
Because that choice will be made by the end of this piece and that choice will decide your next outcome.
Death is inevitable.
Thriving is a choice.
What do you choose?
With love eternal,
PS: You are not alone. Here, take my hand Darling and let’s get you back on your feet, back into thrive. You fucking deserve it.