I currently have the impression of myself on a rocket ship of personal growth, healing, empowerment, revelations, remembrance.
It’s scary as shit.
Not all that pleasant most days.
I have a deep inner knowing that this is the right time, that I’m finally ready, and the Universe is lovingly gifting me with all the support I require to really delve deep and retrieve my long forgotten truths.
As I sit here writing to you I can’t help but be struck by the contrast of my energy and surroundings compared to a few months ago.
A time when I thrived in chaos, loud music, adrenaline pumping activity and a pace which must have seemed like a tornado to those standing on the outside periphery.
This morning I’m sitting quietly. I’ve been on a sunrise run followed by flowing yoga and meditation. Soft chants are filling the air. Next to me a beautiful cup filled with rose green tea. The dogs are lazily soaking up the warmth of the sun by my slipper clad feet.
I feel content.
I feel at peace.
I feel strong.
But it’s a different strength from the physical masculine energy I’ve embraced for the last couple of decades in a desperate effort to survive in a world where I was quite honestly terrified.
It never hit home just how unsafe I felt. How I constantly stayed busy and pumping and listened to angry music so that my body would be filled with adrenaline just in case I need to instantly go into fight or flight response. Come to think of it, I probably lived in perpetual fight or flight mode for most of my life.
I did everything in my power to avoid the silence.
A state which I now view compassionately in most people.
I can’t help but wonder what they’re personal fears are.
For me it only hit home this morning.
I used to really judge myself as being a wimp for being so afraid of the silence, afraid of the dark.
Surely everyone craves the silence.
The aloneness that gives us time to go within and just pluck around in our subconscious minds to understand the drivers of our current behaviour.
After all, this is my passion!
My life purpose work.
Why then was I so afraid to come to a standstill? What was it about the dark?
I used to laughingly blame my aunt and her passion for horrors which she watched with me as a young girl. Who can ever forget Stephen King’s clown in It?? Or that psycho baby that literally cut his way out of his mother’s abdomen and then tore his evil way through the town? Or Chucky??
But those are superficial fears.
They are the characters I used to mask the true monsters in my mind.
Except they aren’t monsters at all.
They are just people struggling to make sense of life. People who at some stage were made to feel weak and in their desperate attempt to feel strong they would prey on those physically weaker than them.
In my life scenario that physically weaker person was always me.
So it was that in the silence I was made to submit. Mostly through force.
I was told to keep quiet.
To not make a sound.
To not tell anyone.
That by screaming out I would bring pain to those I love the most.
I would bring them pain by showing them how shameful I am.
Always the shame.
I was terrified for a long time.
Then I was pissed for an even longer time.
And now, finally, I’ve found peace, compassion and gratitude.
Gratitude for the life lessons which taught me that in any given moment there will always be someone physically stronger than me. There will always be those who will turn their inner turmoil onto others in a desperate attempt to reduce the pain tearing them up. And yes, they can hurt me physically and emotionally like a motherfucker.
But in all of this I have learned that they can never break my spirit. They can never take away from me my power to choose joy in life. They can never silence my voice – not because I want to shame them. But because I no longer feel ashamed.
What happened happened. That’s all. It doesn’t define me. It doesn’t make me less of a person. It doesn’t mean I’m not a worthy person.
I know that now.
I’m no longer afraid of the silence.
I no longer have the frantic drive to keep so busy that I never have time to do the introspection and bring healing to myself, thereby bringing healing to you. Even if we never meet.
For this is the way that healing is currently brought to those of us who have chosen to live in this amazing time of change and transformation.
Where the world seems to be in complete chaos because the era of the ego driven fear-mongerers is coming to an end. But before the world can once again find peace, it has to face the silence. It has to go inside and heal. It has to forgive.
Healers are being called to courageously rise and start healing themselves.
That means you Darling.
You can start living your life purpose on the next level by finding one teeny weeny little thing within yourself that needs to be brought to the light for healing. That one incident which fills you with shame, with anger, with resentment. That one relationship that you’ve never been able to make sense of.
Ultimately forgiveness is a choice.
What really helped me was the understanding that my soul came here for a purpose and that everything happens for me. I truly believe that.
Once I understood my purpose I could make sense of all the events, find the learning, and use it to my advantage to continue stepping into the shoes of the woman who came here for a reason. The woman who has a job to do and who is ready to fully own her responsibility now.
I now know that my life purpose is not going to be achieved through anger and rage. My purpose is going to be achieved through love. And I bet yours will too.
I know it’s scary Darling. I know it’s painful and I beg you to honour the journey and not to take shortcuts. Allow yourself the time and space to work through the events that have kept you hiding from the silence, from the darkness. Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions and to do so deeply. Your emotions after all are here to serve you. They are here to guide you. They bring you messages. They bring you healing.
And know you don’t have to do this alone.
My breakthrough came after a three hour session with two soul sisters purely by us holding a space of healing and support for each other. Without them I would not have had the insight at this time and I definitely would not have been writing this blog today.
It’s time for us to break free from the prison of shame. Even if you are the physically stronger person who look back and think you’ve done some seriously dick shit in your life, forgive yourself. Find the learning, find the healing and connect that to your purpose and grow from it. For shame and blame only perpetuates the pain and the resulting jack-ass behaviour.
I’m taking the rest of today to just sit in this blessing and realisation. I’m going to sit in the woods and listen to the silence of nature. I’m going for a massage and releasing tension of old from my body. I’m going to read uplifting words from a magical book.
My work for today is done.
The real work.
The hard work.
And ultimately that’s the only work that really matters.
I invite you to do the same.
For death she is coming.
You can choose to thrive until then.
With love and light,
PS: Are you feeling called to do the deep work? The courageous work of introspection, connecting to your purpose and bring to life that which you know in your bones you came here to do? I’m opening my practice to a handful of clients for private work. Please know this is not for the person who seeks a colour by numbers picture. This is for the creative who understands the power of a holistic approach to life where body, mind and spirit comes together in a powerful release of wisdom. The healer who is ready to heal herself. The leader who is prepared to walk up front even though it’s daunting. The person who is prepared to focus and get shit done. If that’s you then apply here or mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.