Some things you don’t have to explain.

Some things will never make logical sense.

Some things will not be put into a box,
no matter how many boxes they design,
no matter how many shapes they create.

Some things
are not meant to be understood by others.

Some things
are simply meant to be lived for new choices.

Some things
like the heart of a woman.

I was asked point blank yesterday
to explain
WHY
I got married
WHY
I stayed married for so long
WHY
I did not follow certain paths
when the data says that I am the kind of woman
who would have walked away
and created astounding results.

How do I possibly explain
the life lessons my Soul has chosen to learn?

How do I possibly explain
the levels of physical, mental and emotional pain I am able to endure
and because of this level of tolerance
I took it upon myself,
whether right or wrong,
to absorb the torrential downpour
resulting from the choices of others
so that those I treasure
would be spared but a fraction.

No,
I don’t have a Jesus complex and I am not a martyr nor a victim.
I’m simply a daughter who wanted to see one less tear.
I’m simply a sister who wanted to hear one less scream.
I’m simply a mother who would
without hesitation
die for her children
literally.

I’m simply a human who CHOOSE to end cycles
of abandonment
of abuse
of neglect
of being branded just because you’re different
of not feeling good enough.

I’m simply a woman who CHOSE to experience
some of the truly horrific things
that’s happening in our world at this time
most of which occurs behind closed doors
not to be spoken of
as our tormentors often lose the battle with their inner demons
and instead of being our protectors
they turn into our persecutors
as we become the object of all they will not stand up against
mindlessly ripping into us
tearing chunks of flesh, chunks of our mental capacity, chunks of our emotional energy.

Lying on the floor
again and again
for 45 years
I kept rising
each time
choosing
to open my heart a little more
with compassion and understanding
until finally
I broke apart
with love.

How do I possibly explain
that from this experience
I choose to see the heart in every person
to see the pain in every person
to see the hope in every person
to see the desire to be loved in every person
and I’m not excusing their behaviour
but Honey,
if I don’t choose to RECEIVE the learning
not only for myself but for us as a collective
from which space to show up with TRUE understanding and FEELING of what others are going through
how can I possibly live in service to humanity?

It’s society’s hunger to UNDERSTAND,
to MAKE SENSE of the inexplicable behaviour of women,
that’s keeping so many super intelligent, successful, women stuck
in lives void of true fulfillment and thrive
and often
abuse.

Because they can’t explain
so they stay
as the shame of not being able to put it into logical order for others
is greater than the pain of the self-abandonment
which is the ultimate sacrifice required
to stay.

Get out of your head Sweetheart.
Fuck explaining yourself.
Fuck making sense of the shit.

Allow yourself to receive YOUR learning.
Allow yourself to LOVE yourself.
Allow yourself to make NEW choices,
without needing to blame anyone else,
without needing another to suffer to make up for what you’ve chosen to endure,
without all the toxic bullshit which is robbing YOU of your thrive.

I have ZERO regrets.
I am deeply appreciative of all I have chosen to learn.
I am proud of myself for the choices I have made
not about what I did or now do,
but about WHO I choose to BE.

All of THAT
is what brought me to THIS moment in time.
Sharing a piece with you
which probably makes no sense
and serves no purpose
other than to say:

You are doing great Love,
You are enough,
You are never alone.

What more can I ask for?

Death might be inevitable.
Thrive is a choice available now and now and now.

Live with honour,
Anel.