What my soul wants you to know… Not for the faint of heart!


it’s one of those days.

When the message wants to come through

and it’s feeling really uncomfortable,

I keep backspacing,

wondering how I can say it in a way that doesn’t feel like such a slap through the face?

How about I step out of the way and allow myself to receive the message?

That way you can choose:

do YOU want to receive it as well,

or just shake your head in sympathy?

Saying that I’m too hard on myself.

That I shouldn’t judge myself so harshly.


You’re slipping,

and you know it.

You can keep telling yourself it doesn’t matter if you skip just one session,

after all,

you’ve already done one today.

It doesn’t matter if you eat one shitty meal,

when you’ve been so good all week.

That tomorrow is another day,

so instead of pushing through,

getting focused

doing the motherfucking work,

you can take a night off.

After all,

you’ve been working so hard,

you deserve to play a little.

You’re still ahead of most others.

But you know,

you fucking know,

that you’re simply bullshitting yourself.

You know that you’re out of integrity,

that you’re self-sabotaging,

because the vision,

the one that’s in your heart,

feels soooooo big

so astoundingly wonderful,

that it scares the shit out of you.

You think about all the negative feedback you will receive,


of ‘who the hell do you think you are to want so much’,

that you’re such an ungrateful bitch,

that you should be happy with what you’ve got,

when millions of others have less.

You think about all the people who will not understand

and leave your side


Because they think you’re a cold-hearted, selfish bitch

and they can’t stand your face.

Thinking you don’t care,

that you don’t hurt,

when every time,

it feels like your heart is being ripped from your chest,

trampled into a bloody mess on the floor.

Scraping it up when nobody is around,

crying your tears in silence when nobody is looking,

because heaven forbid they should see the impact they have.

Instead you pull back a little,

you fuck up your fitness a little,

you dim your light a little,

you play small a little,

and in the process,

you hurt a lottle!

I guess it comes down to choosing your pain Darling.

Do you want to experience the temporary pain of abandonment by others,

of criticism,

of possible embarrassment as you fail in front of the haters,

hearing the ridicule,

feeling your cheeks burn with humiliation,

or the eternal pain of regret?

For not showing the fuck up for your vision.

For not becoming your best version self.

For not making the difference you came here to make.

Because you compromised.

Come now Anel – when did you become THIS?

When did you start going back to thinking that you need others to be happy?

They can’t give you anything that you cannot give yourself!

When did you think that you have to feel like shit because they choose to live in a constant state of





disconnection of self?

You are not responsible for the choices of others.

You’re only responsible for your own.

Which means,

it’s time to stop hiding behind the bullshit excuses that society has gifted you so generously,

making you part of the pack of deception,

keeping you in a state of delusion,

thinking you’re weak,

thinking you’re faulty,

that you need anything other than what is inside of you.

But first,

you have to OWN your desire.

Your TRUE desire.

And you have to commit to it with your life.

Death before DNF.

For there’s no greater punishment than mere existence – THIS IS HELL!

And you see it all around you…

The desperate attempt of others to escape the suffering,

putting themselves in a state of intoxication.

Telling themselves that the buzz,

the numbness,

feels good.

When all it does is let the poison fester in their core,

waiting for the sunrise,

to feel even worse.


Today is the day to recommit.

Today is the day to take full responsibility of what is and what you desire.

Today is the day to refocus.

Today is the day to take the action.

Today is all there is.

No more saying tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a construct of bullshit hope that allows people to waste today.


right now,

is all that matters.

So tell me Anel,

what do you truly desire?

When you get out of your own way.

When you stop listening to the voice of fear.

When you believe in yourself.

That’s all that matters.

The rest,

will take care of itself.



Let go.


Or live in a state of miserable existence.

EVERYTHING in life is your choice.

Only death is inevitable.

Do you have the brass ovaries to choose thrive?

With love and appreciation,