So you’ve hit rock bottom.
The point where you’ve just had enough.
Of the pain.
The loneliness that you can never shake, regardless of how many ‘friends’ you make online.
Lying, sobbing on the floor, thinking to yourself
‘What the fuck?
What’s happened to me?
What became of the dynamic twenty-something year old that had the world at her feet?
When did I become this?
This mere shadow of the woman I thought I would be?’
Salty tears dripping into your mouth.
And the sadness in your chest an iron-clad vice gripping you so hard that you don’t know how your lungs could possibly expand enough for you to take another breath.
thick as molasses,
slowing down your every movement.
I know Darling.
That was me, not so long ago.
To the rest of the world I seemed a highly successful, driven, badass motherfucker conquering the world.
And I guess compared to the masses, I was.
Doing what most people consider impossible or brave or stupid.
Still, there was a level of shame inside of me that nobody could ever comprehend.
Feeling as though I was living a lie.
Out of integrity.
Because no matter how hard I tried,
no matter how much I did,
with what I had and with where I was at,
it’s nowhere near what I’m capable of.
In fact, I’m still a long way off.
But I’ve started.
I suspect that my greatest struggle throughout my lifetime has been the feeling of guilt.
I felt guilty for being ambitious.
I felt guilty for wanting to do more.
To go harder.
To climb higher.
I felt guilty for having a no-excuses policy that ultimately drives me to believe that either we seriously want something and do whatever the fuck it takes,
or we find every reason under the sun not to have it.
And because I’ve wrestled with this powerful emotion called guilt,
I’ve attracted to me all those who would amplify it.
I attracted people who blamed me for making them feel insignificant and weak.
I attracted people who blamed me for making them feel like failures.
I even attracted people who blamed me for eating disorders and depression.
These weren’t faceless strangers who couldn’t trigger me.
They were friends, family and lovers.
Those who I had formed deep emotional connections with.
And all the time, I would shine a little less in an effort to make them feel better about their choices.
Except, in the process, I had become so dulled that I could hardly recognise myself in the mirror.
I would wake in the mornings,
feeling ashamed of my efforts which seemed so puny compared to what I know I am capable of.
there came a day when I just decided that I would NEVER again feel regret.
Never again would I feel bad about who I am and who I desire to be.
Never again would I give away my personal power by having the low standards of others dictate my efforts.
What I discovered was that the most empowering decision that nobody tells us about, is taking
What does this look like for me?
It looks like me acknowledging the fact that I’m a soul in a human body having an experience.
As soul I chose my parents
Not because I wanted to be a victim,
not because I wanted to spend eternity feeling helpless and thinking that others are to blame for the events of my life.
Not because I’m being tested to see if I’m good enough to get into heaven or doomed to hell for all eternity.
Well, I don’t believe that.
Instead I now look at everything that’s happened for me in life thus far,
I go inside,
and I ask for the learning.
To see the values and beliefs handed down to me from previous generations,
without making the people wrong,
asking if the values and beliefs are in alignment with my soul.
And I have to say,
most of them aren’t.
I believe that I chose this lifetime to remember who I am.
I chose this lifetime to think for myself once more.
Instead of blindly following the crowd.
I chose this lifetime to embrace my heart’s desire for beauty and freedom and adventure.
The way I chose to experience this, was by first creating contrast.
Yes, that means for decades I created a life of neglect, imprisoned by the bars in my mind and false ‘security’.
I lived the life that was held up to me as the ‘good’ way to live as a ‘good’ woman and in the process I felt bad.
I’m not saying that my way of thinking or living is the ‘right’ way or even the right way for you.
Instead I’m sharing with you my realisation that even though everyone told me that I’m a victim of circumstance,
I was in fact the most powerful person in my life.
It was my choices, my thoughts and my actions which created every single outcome and as long as I blamed others, I was stuck.
It took no small amount of courage for me to take full responsibility of my life.
And yes, there were instances where I really didn’t want to.
I wanted to carry on blaming others.
I wanted to make excuses for myself.
Yet every time I did so, I could feel the loss of my personal power.
It was only by taking complete responsibility that I finally connected with a source inside of me previously untapped.
It’s called love.
Not codependent love.
It is what keeps me rising in the morning and striving for my best version self, regardless of the reactions of those around me.
It’s what keeps me speaking my unfiltered truth from a place of genuine compassion regardless of the backlash from others.
It’s what keeps me raising the bar for myself from a space of deep self-worth and belief in self regardless of the ego-based fears that always rise simultaneously.
It’s what keeps me taking another step in the direction of my desires regardless of the perceived obstacles and just trusting that the Universe will always provide another stone underfoot.
Next month I’m turning 46, yet in many instances I feel as though I’m in the infant stage of life.
Only now opening my eyes and truly discovering what has always been right in front of me.
I’m learning to walk unaided.
To speak a new language.
To love unconditionally and without expectation.
For the first time ever, I’m feeling free.
This my friend, is true power.
And it’s your birthright.
Only death is inevitable.
Thriving remains the choice of the brave.
With deep love and appreciation of you,